It's insane how quickly the line between right and wrong can fade and somehow I find myself on both sides of it. I have come to realize that when you choose to or are forced to lie about the very foundation of your life every other lie and wrong doing seems completely insignificant. The guilt gets smaller and less painful until you are living out every part of the life you wish you had through stories and thoughts and the life you are actually living begins to feel like the lie. Every day is a show; a clever masquerade that most people buy into and only few have the courage or common sense to confront you and demand that you take off your mask and reveal the truth. Momentarily you show your true self but quickly cover back up as your true self is someone you despise. Yet as you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror you realize you don't particularly like your masked self either. You are there somewhere though; the you that you want to be. Somewhere in between the mask and the fake smile and the beautiful gown and the ever flowing tears. If you had enough time maybe, or friends, or space, then you might be able to figure it out. But you're running short of every single one of these things in a very real way. So you continue to live in this parallel universe; stuck and drowning and somehow not giving a damn how it all ends; in death or life, in happiness or sorrow, you just pray that it will end. But the beauty and horror of it all is that it's endless and each day brings you closer to this realization and further from reality.
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2 comments:
It's hard to take off the mask. The mask never provides the security that the person wearing it hopes for though. I hope soon you will feel comfortable enough to just be yourself.
You have supporters. I'm sorry things are so hard. You have to start at the very basic part of life. Who you are. Who you love. And who you want to be. Pray for guidance. Love you.
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