The Countdown Begins

Well, technically the countdown began on Friday and oh boy, have things taken off since then. Friday and Saturday were both filled with phone calls and getting things squared away, on Sunday I took a fun little trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to pick up some essentials for the kitchen, and today I started packing some boxes! Tomorrow is my long day at work, Wednesday more packing, and Thursday will be spa day for me and the girls from North office. A massage and nice dinner out is exactly what I need before my crazy exciting weekend because on Friday I get the key to my new place and I have every intention of being moved in and ready to go before the weekend is over! My own kitchen, my own room, my washer and dryer! I really couldn't be more excited. I've never had a place that was all my own and I cannot wait to see what that feels like. Only three days to go!!

Bedtime Routine

It's interesting the things that stick with you as you leave adolescence and become an adult. Titus has been having a very hard time going to bed lately and most nights he keeps me up till around 1 or 2 in the morning. He of course is fed and changed and most the time he has his sleepy eyes on but he just wants to be held and to know that I am not too far away. This can be very frustrating when I have to be up for work at 5 every morning and I found myself more and more stressed as this continued. The other day a friend was telling me about something that he had read about babies and helping them get on a good sleep schedule; what to do and what not to do. I kind of blew him off at first, saying that I'd already read a hundred things like that and that none of it had ever worked with Titus no matter how dedicated I was. Well, I think he knows I'm stubborn cause everyday I've talked to him since, he's somehow slipped a little bit of information from what he read into the conversation. The biggest thing of course is a routine; we all have one before we go to bed to help us relax and the little guy needs that too. I've tried routines before and they've never worked; going on walks, giving him a bath, singing to him, none of it worked so I kind of gave up on them but this Monday I figured, what the heck lets give it another try. Now at the beginning of this blog I said it's interesting the things we carry over from childhood to adulthood and this is why; it honestly didn't really dawn on me until I was letting my mind wander while I was feeding Titus this morning but the routine I ended up going with is the one that my dad had for me from the time I can remember all the way up to the last time I went to visit about six months ago. Like I said, this wasn't on purpose but I keep my favorite childhood book on Titus' changing table, 'You Are Special' and on Monday night I decided to read it to him. He enjoyed listening to me read so much I ended up reading from the scriptures about Noah's Ark too. Before I left the room I said a short prayer and kissed him goodnight. He seemed really relaxed after I left so I did this everyday this week and finally last night he was asleep by 10:30; blew my mind! For those of you that know Titus, you know that 10:30 is pretty much insane!

Now this is the exact same routine that my dad in Utah and his family have done since I can remember; all the kids come into their room and we all sit on their bed or on the floor. We would rotate who got to pick the story and dad would read it then we would read some scriptures and pray. After that we all said goodnight and got into bed. It's funny that I gravitated to that routine so naturally as I was only with my dad half of the time when I was younger and hardly at all through my Jr. High and High school years. Yet something about it must have stuck; maybe it was the way it calmed me down and got me ready for sleeping even if I didn't realize it at the time. So thanks dad and thanks Gloria! Next time we come to visit Titus will feel right at home sitting on the bed next to grandpa as he reads 'You Are Special.'

Everybody Talks

It seems as though I have once again over analyzed something and went in the complete opposite direction that I should have. When Eric and I separated a couple months ago I debated posting something on here; not a complete blow by blow but a little something to just say what was going on. I didn't want it to seem like I was being a drama queen and honestly I didn't feel the need to defend or explain myself. Lately though people's curiosity has gotten the best of them. The frustrating part isn't so much that everyone wants to know 'what happened' but more that they are asking and talking to everyone except me about it. Someone told me a while back that their marriage was their business and their divorce was their business too. I know a lot of people are confused and that's understandable but how am I supposed to explain what 'went wrong?' No one was there, in our relationship, day in and day out for the past four years except Eric and me and we do know what went wrong, we know it wasn't working, and we know that we are both better off going our separate ways. It didn't work, plain and simple. If that isn't enough of an explanation I'm sorry but there wasn't just one thing or one fight or one anything. At this point I am just trying to get back to a place where I can feel  peaceful and happy again. My number one priority is my sweet little Titus. I feel so blessed to be his mommy and I do the best I can everyday to make sure he is happy and comfortable. Right now we are living with my dad and Garrett but we will be moving out in a couple weeks into an adorable little apartment that couldn't be more perfect for the two of us. We are in a sometimes very stressful transition stage where we are trying to figure out the new normal. It's not a bad thing, just different. But I can feel the dust starting to settle and I can feel those moments of peace come over me when I know that I am doing what's best and that's what I hold on to. I don't know if this clears anything up and I hope that this doesn't seem like some big dramatic thing; I'm not trying to air out my dirty laundry or make a scene I just know that a lot of people are still very confused and since no one has asked me about it directly I figured I'd just respond as if they did.

Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted? Now all our memories they're haunted, we were always meant to say goodbye. Even with our fists held high it never would have worked out right, we were never meant for do or die.

I didn't want us to burn out, I didn't come here to hurt you, now I can't stop.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road cause someones gotta go and I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better but I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

Looking at you makes it harder but I know that you'll find another that doesn't always make you want to cry. It started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in, perfect couldn't keep this love alive.

You know that I love you, so I love you enough to let you go.

I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road cause someones gotta go and I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better but I want you to move on so I'm already gone.

You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong.

Remember all the things we wanted? Now all our memories they're haunted, we were always meant to say goodbye.

A beautiful song that puts every feeling I have into words that I would never be able to come up with on my own.