Life in the NICU

Every NICU family has a different story to tell, some end sadly and some end with a perfectly healthy child. We are blessed enough to have a story that ends in the latter. 

All of the nurses were very upbeat and optomistic the first day that Titus was in the NICU. They kept saying how he only needed to learn how to eat and that he wouldn't be there for very long. To Eric and I 'not very long' meant he would be out by the time I was discharged on Thursday and we would all get to go home together as a family, as planned. It came as an overwhelming surprise when we found out we were wrong. Not very long in the NICU means two to three weeks, which isnt very long compared to those babies that have much more sever problems than 

just learning how to eat, that will spend months and months at the hospital. One of the night shift nurses finally sat us down and gave it to us straight, explained to us how things work, and that even though the only problem here was eating and weight gain, those two things were huge and took a lot of energy out of our little man. She told us he would be there for two or more weeks, that was a hard thing to hear. The night I was discharged wasn't what I expected. We fed Titus and said good night just like all the other nights so far. Then we went upstairs, packed up, and headed back downstairs to the exit. 

As I waited inside for Eric to get the car my mind was pretty much blank. I was texting Nichole and was feeling pretty good, I wasn't allowing myself to think yet. All the sudden my background popped up on my phone, a picture of Titus from the day he was born. I lost it. Leaving the hospital that night was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I kept thinking; this isn't how it's supposed to be, mommies aren't supposed to leave without their babies. And yet there I was, waiting for Eric to pull around and pick me up, then driving out of the hospital parking lot, down Broadway, heading to Gary and Dawn's without my baby boy in the back seat, bawling the entire car ride and then for hours after.

The next day Eric and I made a plan, I knew I would go back every day and be with Titus for as much of the day and for as many of the feedings as possible, hanging out in a hospital for a couple of weeks couldn't be that bad. I could knit and read and check my facebook in between feeds, easy breezy. Wrong again. Titus and I both had good days and bad days. There were days when he wasn't gaining weight and wasn't eating and it was hard to not think that I was 

doing something wrong. I was his mother after all, if I couldnt teach him how to eat, who could? Some days I would just hold him and cry; it's just eating. How did he not understand this? Why wasn't he catching on? But there were also mornings when we would show up and hear good news; his IV was coming out, he was keeping his temp up and would graduate to an open crib, his NG feeding tube was coming out. Those were some good days. 

In between feeding times new relationships formed and old ones grew. There was the couple, with the girl, born 6 weeks early at 6lbs and some odd ounces. She just needed to learn how to eat too. There were the twins that were Titus' roommates. Born 6 weeks early, up to 5 lbs and some odd ounces. One was doing great, gaining weight, eating and all that. The other was falling behind, he just didnt get it. Silent tears ran down my face the night that Cooper got to go home, but Carter had to stay behind. There were no words strong enough to comfort that mother that night.  I will probably never see either couple again, or their children, but for those 13 days we were connected in a way that will last forever. We supported each other

with smiles and stories and simple phrases like 'good luck today.' We knew every deatail about each others kids and absolutly nothing else about each others lives, somehow friends yet strangers all at the same time. I had the suppoort of my NICU family which included those mentioned above along with the nurses, doctors, lactation specialists, and physical theripists but I also had my real family. So many good wishes and prayers and support from those that are closest to us, none going unnoticed. Each prayer helped Titus progress that much quicker and I am truely grateful for that. Eric was so strong for all three of us on those days when Titus and I were both too tired to be strong. He was a true leader for our little family and our relationship is that much better for it. Nichole was also a huge support. She came to the hospital everyday and would just sit and listen to me at the five o'clock feeding. She hardly said 

a word but let me empty my head of all my thoughts. Some days the conversations were happy and full of laughter other days they were sad and hardly anything was said. Either way she just listened and repeated all the incredible things that little Titus had overcome so far; reminding me that he was a strong boy and that prayers were being answered on a daily basis. After I was done feeding Titus, she would buy me dinner and make sure that I was drinking enough fluids, then she would go home. The next day she would come back and do it all over again.

It seemed as though the days in the NICU were never going to end, until one day they suddenly did. Eric and I were both shocked when they told us on Sunday morning that we could take our little man home. We had both been putting it so far out in our minds so we wouldn't be disappointed and I still  refused to believe it

until Titus and I were in the back seat of the car

together, heading back to our apartment. And now we're home. Titus is healthy and growing and someday those 13 days will seem like no time at all but for now all I can say is I have found the hidden blessings that those days in the NICU brought 

and even though they were hard, blessings are always worth the 

tears it takes to get to them.